ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, my god, my god. What we think of in a moment of crisis even. Oh, well.

"So off he goes to college in the fall and good riddance. But there's this thing now, Fred, remaining behind. Like a spectre, if you pardon the poetry. But that's what it's like. A ghost, a shade hanging over me. Where did it come from? And then that terrible, terrible question, did it come from me? Oh, god, god, god. I wish the little bastard had never been spawned. It was probably a lousy lay that night, too, I bet. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I'm cracking up, Fred. No, just tired. Thinking too much. Thinking too much. Well, I have something to think about, by god.

"Now, don't be kind, for god's sake. I don't want consolement, I want the truth. I want to know. And the books are no help. Did you ever realize how padded psychology books are? I hadn't read one since I got outa college, but they must be paid by the page. It takes you pages to get one solid idea out of one, then you read another and it refutes the first. Well, I'm asking you, Fred. Fred. Can I ask you? Is it too much to ask? Are we getting too deep? Fred. Is there anything... about me . . . Have you ever seen anything in me that might lead you to suspect. . .

"Fred, you're not just saying that to please me, are you? I mean, I'd rather know an awful truth and try to live with it than never be sure. Always wonder. Ya know what I mean? I mean we never really know what impression it is we make on other people. We don't know what we look like to other people. So how can we know unless our truly close friends tell us? Am I right?

"So, Fred, as a friend, the brutal truth, have you ever had any reason to think that perhaps deep in me . . .

"Awright, awright, we'll drop it. Sure, I understand. The reason we're friends is neither of us is like that. If we were like that in the slightest way, we'd just give each other the gate, as it were. Sure. I mean, you're a completely masculine guy. I mean, that's what most appeals to me about you. You're married, two kids. I mean, never would it ever enter my mind. . . But I just have one kid. And lightning sure struck there. Wow.

"Aach. Who knows? You know, I never would have seen it in Ronnie. Not in a million years. I guess it takes one to know one, uh? Ha, ha. Yeah. Ya know, only this summer when he and I went swimming-at the municipal pool?-god, I was really taken aback. I mean, it seems only yesterday he was just a little kid, but I had to notice, my god! I mean he's a man. He looks like the proverbial Greek god, good straight back, broad shoulders, deep chest-and muscles! I mean, I don't have much reason ever to see him naked like that and I didn't realize how he's developed, what he's developed into. And he's ample. I mean he's got a full set. I noticed that. Ha, ha, ha. No one, no one would ever take him for a . . . for a .. oh, god, god, god. Why? I mean a beautiful boy like that. I can say he's beautiful and say it as a complete compliment. Like a statue. God. What a waste. To think of him, to try to picture him doing something filthy with his mouth. How can they do that. Oh, god, god. Oh, well.

"But then, but then . . . you know, when I first heard of how you do it with girls, that almost floored me. I can still remember when I found out. The idea was so extravagantly insane, so shocking, that I've never forgotten the circumstances of when I heard. Let's see, I was . . . god, I was fourteen! In high school, a freshman, it was in the library-jeez, fourteen. What a protected

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